It’s OK to insult everyone, lie 90% of the time, have no serious ideas, show an utter disregard for our institutions, and scorn the idea of preparing for stuff. Conservative voters are cool with all that.

It’s OK to make shit up about why you can’t release your tax returns. Conservative voters will buy it. And even a lot of them who know you’re lying will find a way to ignore it.

It’s OK to change just about every position you’ve ever publicly held in order to pander to evangelicals. Had a couple of front-page divorces and affairs? Can’t pronounce “II” correctly? On the record saying that women will let you grab them by the pussy if you’re famous? No problem. Conservative voters will let you off the hook.

Ascribe climate change to a Chinese hoax. Why not? Conservative voters don’t care about climate change anyway.

Don’t start small and work your way up in public service. Much preferable to the conservative voter is a background in casino bankruptcy and reality television. Because guess what? Running for office is easy! All you have to do is tell conservative voters that you’ll single-handedly resurrect entire irretrievable industries. They love that stuff. Also: see if you can wipe your ass with our founding documents while threatening to institute religious tests for refugees. Conservative voters will cheer you.

Go ahead and get endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan while you’re at it.

And remember: a campaign is not about ideas; it’s an opportunity to throw a temper tantrum. Conservative voters love a good temper tantrum.

To future Senate leaders and congresspeople: It’s OK to piss on the constitution for transparent political gain. It might work! And, either way, conservative voters don’t mind.

Also, whenever you have a sense of who you might run against four years down the road, it’s advisable to finance non-stop character assassination and witch hunts against that person with taxpayer dollars. Conservative voters won’t hold it against you.

Too, you should do everything in your power to make sure that the government basically doesn’t work. Don’t pass laws. Don’t confirm appointees. Hell, shut it down! Then run against it for being dysfunctional! Conservative voters eat that stuff up.

And if you ever think about becoming director of the FBI, it’s fine if you want to mess around a little bit with elections. Again: it might work! Anything for a W, right?

 

 

 

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